He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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