i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
