thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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