Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
