Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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