Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
me + whiskey = a bad person
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
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