So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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