in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
