Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
