He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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