I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
