Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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