He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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