I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
