I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
