I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
