A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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