May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
either way he was missing a nipple.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
