I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
