yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
