Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
