True but thats because hes a fetus.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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