i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
