I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
