i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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