I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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