Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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