We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
