i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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