Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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