If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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