dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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