I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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