Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
