Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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