A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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