I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
