the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
