She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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