I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
