she woke up with a sticky ear
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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