you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
