here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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