I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
