Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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