Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
