Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Randomize
