I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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