i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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