Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
