One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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