There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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