Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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