Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize