Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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